


the things we lost in the fire

by burningdarkfire



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Bittersweet, Episode 89, F/M, Gentle Sex, Porn with Feelings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-17
Updated: 2021-02-17
Packaged: 2021-03-12 23:14:52
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,133
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29517252
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/burningdarkfire/pseuds/burningdarkfire
Summary: Caleb comes back to see Astrid and ends up staying the night.  In the dark, the two of them can speak more openly.Set in Episode 89.  Some porn but a lot of feelings.
Relationships: Astrid & Eodwulf (Critical Role), Astrid/Caleb Widogast, Nott | Veth Brenatto & Caleb Widogast
Comments: 3
Kudos: 44





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is an exploration of Caleb and his relationship with Astrid. I think this is largely bittersweet and nostalgic - not something that would have a happy ending - but something that may be meaningful nonetheless. 
> 
> Porn will be Chapter 2 if that's what you're here for. Title is from [Bastille - Things We Lost In The Fire](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MGR4U7W1dZU).
> 
> Enjoy!

“Mistress.” 

Astrid looked up at the light knock at the door. After Bren’s visit, she had started on a glass of whisky and some paperwork, hoping to unwind, but she found herself unable to focus. 

The servant of the manor bowed his head slightly and said, “The visitor from earlier is back. Master Ermendrud.”

Astrid rose from her seat, surprised. She was not expecting to see him again so soon.

“Shall I turn him away?”

“No,” she said roughly, and the word seemed to catch. She cleared her throat. “No, please let him in. I’ll be there in just a moment. Thank you.”

* * *

Caleb stirred, opening his eyes to an unfamiliar room. With a jolt, he shot up, a half-cast spell on his lips before he recognized the dark shadow by the bed.

“You’re awake.”

Astrid’s voice was soft, the Zemnian intimate on her tongue. 

Caleb cleared his throat. He could still taste the alcohol at the back of his throat, like if someone thumped him hard enough on the back he would just spew all his shame back up.

Astrid reached to the lamp on the nightstand, but he caught her hand. A light would be too harsh on him now.

Her hand was calloused, rough. After all these years, it still felt familiar to him.

“I’m sorry.” The dark made it easier for Caleb to speak plainly. “I did not mean to come back here, not so soon, not like this.”

“You were drunk,” Astrid said. Her voice sounded cautious, guarded, and Caleb was reminded that she was a fully fledged _Volstrucker_ now. She had the kind of paranoia that kept her alive. “I didn’t want to turn you away and leave you on the streets.”

“I remember.” 

Caleb thought he saw her smile faintly. The room was lit only by the dimmest moonlight, and though his eyes had adjusted to the best of their capability, his perception was still mostly of shadow and feeling.

“I’m glad to hear you say that again,” she said softly. 

He realized he still held her hand when she squeezed it. He untangled their fingers regretfully.

“I should go.” 

“It’s alright,” she said hesitantly. Again he was reminded what it meant for her to be _Volstrucker_ – they had been trained to have an eye for both threats and opportunity. “You can rest here a while.”

Caleb was on the brink of dismantling a war, and Astrid was not on the same side as him and his friends.

But when she reached for his hand again, he did not pull away.

* * *

They talked. 

Astrid sat in the chair and Caleb sat in the bed. She held his hand and traced her fingers over his palm, his fingers, his knuckles. At some point, she scooted her chair closer. 

The darkness kept their voices gentle, and they traded small stories like two old friends who had not seen each other in a long time. Caleb told her about things like Professor Thaddeus and Frumpkin’s week as an owl; she told him about a time when Eadwulf got his foot caught in a trap and was forced to stand in it for ten minutes until she got over her silent mirth enough to help him.

Astrid did not ask what he was doing in Nicodranus at the time. Caleb did not ask if her laughter had been quiet in case they got caught as operatives of the Assembly. 

* * *

“Do you remember –” Astrid would start, and the two of them would tumble over their words in delight as they reminisced about scenes in their student years. 

The time they had nearly been caught sneaking books out from the libraries after hours. The time they had helped Wulf redo an assignment in a night, when he accidently lit his first copy on fire. The time they rain out into the rain, kissing, and nearly missed the spy they were meant to catch. The time they kissed, the body of a spy still smouldering at their feet, the rain not quite enough to put it out.

“We were so brave,” she said, beaming at him. She had moved off the chair, traded it for the comfort of the mattress, and Caleb had shifted back to give her room to sit on the sheets. “So stupid, yes, but so brave. We thought we were invincible.”

“I think we were mostly just stupid.” Caleb tried to say it seriously, but her smile was infectious. “Or maybe it’s just simple enough to say we were some fucked up teenagers –”

And it’s such an understatement that they were overcome with giggles, clutching at each other until they bent over and howled with laugher.

* * *

“Stay the night,” she murmured.

Astrid was leaning forward, close enough that Caleb imagined he could feel her breath on his face. Her eyes glimmered in the faint moonlight.

Caleb breathed in, and all he could smell was Astrid. He was sober at this point, after hours of conversation, and his thoughts were crystal clear.

“Only if you stay with me.”

She undressed in the dark, and Caleb couldn’t pull his eyes away. He moved back and lay down on his side, so that when she got under the covers with him, she lay facing him.

They lay in quiet, companionable silence for a few moments.

“Do you do this often?” He asked. The words were whispered but landed heavily between them. “With a lover?”

She smiled sadly. “What would you do if I said yes? If I told you I had a husband?”

Caleb gave a little huff of laughter. “I’m not much good at running, but maybe if I had a head start.”

Astrid chuckled with him for a moment. When she trailed into moody silence, Caleb stilled with her. 

“I don’t keep lovers anymore. I had a few, but it’s – it’s hard, and dangerous. And there are always – assignments.” She hesitated. “Wulf and I – sometimes, if we need it. It’s easier with him. We understand each other.”

“You trust each other,” Caleb said softly. He felt a dull pressure against his chest, a blunt blade of jealousy – but also a twisted sense of relief. “I am glad you two still have each other.”

Astrid reached out. In the dark, she touched his arm and slid down it gently until she found his hand in the shadows. Caleb stayed silent and still as she threaded her fingers through his. “We missed you. We still miss you. We were always meant to be three, not two.”

“I never stopped thinking about you,” Caleb confessed. He rubbed his thumb over hers, slowly, just like he used to do as a teenager. 

“No other lovers?” Her murmur was low in the night.

“Once.” A few years after he escaped the asylum, a few years before he met Nott. He had been terribly lonely. He reached out to touch Astrid’s hair, the dirty blonde strands barely visible in the dark. “She had dark brown hair. I left without paying her.”

They were quiet for a time. Astrid’s breathing slowed, enough so that Caleb was mildly surprised when she spoke softly.

“No other loves?”

Caleb smiled. His hand was still outstretched, and he stroked Astrid’s cheek gently. “One, at least. She saved my life. More to come, I think.”

“Your group now, the Mighty Nein?” 

Caleb gave a soft _mmm_. “Nott the Brave.”

Astrid made a small noise of disbelief. “The goblin?”

Caleb laughed, whole-hearted, and gave her a playful flick on the nose. “How does it feel to know the next great love of my life after you was a goblin?”

She shoved him in the shoulder. It was enough to make an impact but without any intention behind it, and so he stayed where he was. 

He felt no particular need to tell her Veth’s story or how it entangled with his own. Instead, his voice turned thoughtful, wondrous. “I had been alone for five years before her. I had been lost for eleven years before that. She raised me from the filth and ashes I had buried myself in. Yes, she saved my life.”

Caleb could feel Astrid breathe, the air drifting across his hand. 

“I am glad she did.”


	2. Chapter 2

Caleb stirred, waking slowly. 

At some point in the night, they had stripped off their clothes and nestled together, drifting to sleep. His arm was resting comfortably around her and her head was tucked under his chin as they lay on their sides. 

As he inhaled the warm and familiar scent of Astrid in his arms, he could feel the curves of her ass against his half-hard cock that had risen in his sleep.

“Sorry,” he murmured into the blonde hair, but he made no motion to move from where he lay. “Old habits.”

Astrid made a soft noise as she stirred back to consciousness. Caleb filed the sound tenderly away in his memory.

She did not say anything but he could feel her fingers stroking the arm he held her with, the lightest ghost of a touch. She held herself still, as if waiting for him to decide what he would do.

“I have never stopped wanting to fuck you,” Caleb murmured, and speaking the confession into the night was easier than he thought. “I have never stopped wanting to love you.”

Astrid sighed softly. “Bren.”

Caleb was content to drift back to sleep, nuzzling back into her hair, when she threaded her fingers through his. She held their hands together against her chest – his arm nestled between her breasts, and Caleb breathed deep, the seed of possibility settling in his stomach.

“Astrid,” Caleb said softly as she started rolling her hips, pushing back gently against him as his cock truly perked to attention. “We don’t have to –”

“I want to.” But she stilled for a moment.

Then Astrid tilted her chin up, as if asking a question, and Caleb turned his face down to meet her. They shared a tender, longing kiss.

Astrid guided him, first taking their joined hands to grasp one of her soft, supple breasts. She cupped and squeezed, gasping gently as she worked the tender flesh under their calloused hands. She ran their thumbs over her nipple, now swollen and erect.

They traded quiet gasps and moans in the dark as they explored her body together. Caleb kept kissing her, soft and slow, content to let her set the pace. He thought idly that it felt different now that he kept facial hair, and he wondered if it scratched her unpleasantly.

When Astrid slowed, Caleb followed her lead. They simmered down until their breaths were all they could hear, though he still held her close.

“We used to play rough,” Astrid said quietly. It sounded like a question.

“We used to like it,” Caleb said. Their mouths were still so close that he brushed against her lips as he spoke.

Another moment passed.

“We are not who we used to be,” Caleb said quietly.

“No,” Astrid agreed. She leaned back for a kiss again and moved his hand down, between her legs. She curled his fingers and guided them until they brushed her folds and came away wet.

“Fuck me,” she whispered.

Caleb took it slow, sliding his fingers around the lips gently as his thumb worked to find the clit. A sharp inhale from Astrid confirmed it for him, and as he gently started applying pressure with his thumb, working in small, slow, circles, she brought her own hand up to her breast again and started playing.

Caleb wished he could see her better, but instead he drank in her small moans and shudders as they touched her body together in the dark. 

A particularly sharp gasp tore through the night and Caleb moved his thumb carefully to the tune of Astrid’s shuddering _aahhh_ , pulling away when she came down from the high so as not to overstimulate her.

“Come here.” With a gentle motion, he pulled them both onto their backs, but positioned so that she still lay half on him. He looped an arm under her neck so that he had both hands free at once while still holding her, and once she was settled, he went back to work.

He kept his thumb in motion, now circling around the clit, teasing rather than pleasuring. He moved slowly at first, slipping in only the tip of one finger, deeper and deeper each time, but her cunt was undeniably wet and he soon found himself working in two, then three, without even the slightest hint of discomfort from her.

She thrust her hips in time with him, grinding deliciously back on his cock, as his fingers penetrated her. Once they found a steady rhythm, he added his thumb back in, kissing away the breathy moans as he applied the gentle pressure at her clit again.

It was a difficult angle – he tried to shift slightly, without disturbing her, and was rewarded when he found he could crook his fingers just so – Astrid cried out, shuddering again in his arms as another orgasm rolled through her.

“You are just as delightful as before,” Astrid murmured, her voice a low purr.

“I was trained well.” Caleb kissed her softly.

When her breathing settled, he moved them again, this time rolling himself so that he lay over her, propped up on his forearms.

For a few moments, he just gazed at her. As seconds ticked by, she jutted her chin forward as if in challenge, locking eyes with him.

“This isn’t a staring contest,” Caleb said wryly. “I wanted to tell you that you are just as handsome as before.”

He kissed her again when she smiled.

For a while they stayed like that. He collapsed his weight onto her – his forearms couldn’t hold him for that long, but he wasn’t very heavy anyway – and they kept kissing, enjoying the softness of their lips against each other and the tenderness of the moment. He rolled his hips, small subtle movements that were nearly involuntary, but the heat of her was so close and so lovely. More than once he wet the head of his cock by accident, pressing at her entrance, but did not force his way in.

Eventually, he took his kisses lower, trailing a line down her jaw, throat, and chest, until he pressed a chaste peck to her nipple before taking it in his mouth. He rolled it around his tongue and tugged at it – gently, softly – with his teeth, until she had threaded her hands in his long hair and began to moan again.

“Your hair is longer than mine now,” she said, and Caleb thought he could hear the nostalgia in her voice as he moved from one nipple to the other. As he played with her breasts, she started moving her hips in time with his, and his attention stuttered at the sensation.

He attempted to move further, planning to pleasure her with his mouth, but she held his hair firmly and tugged him back up until they were face to face again.

“Hold me,” she said, her eyes closed. “And fuck me.”

Caleb kissed her forehead and held her.

“Tell me if it hurts,” he said, knowing full well that she wouldn’t.

He went slowly anyway, watching her face as he slid in, but she kept her features relaxed and pleased in the dark. His cock was so starved that he was trembling before he was fully sheathed.

“Don’t be shy,” she whispered. She had opened her eyes again and was looking at him tenderly as she brought her legs and ankles up to hook behind his back. Even that movement made him groan a little, and he forced himself to take several deep breaths.

She was watching him carefully, and as he shut his eyes and willed himself back from the edge, he could feel her shift slightly and bring her hand down to her clit, working herself as she watched him struggle. The motion sent little jolts of pleasure up his cock.

Fuck, he was so hard. This was so hard. He missed her so much.

When Caleb could pretend he had the situation under some semblance of control, he started thrusting, an easy in-and-out as he held her hips. She gave encouraging little noises, but it wasn’t until he moved his hands up – he fumbled for her wrists, but knowing what he wanted and wanting it too, she moved to help him, and he was able to grasp them to the headboard of the bed, holding himself up as he drove deeper and faster into her. Astrid cried out, her exclamation nearly lost in the crude slapping of flesh on flesh that filled the air as Caleb set a steady pace.

He moved his free hand down to her clit, brushing his thumb again at the nub, and she squirmed beneath him. His focus narrowed considerably. He watched her face and his thumb pleasured her and his hips drove into her. He was hitting her sweet spot, he could tell by the delicious breathy whines she made, and before long she clamped her legs around him like a vise as she shuddered from another orgasm.

Caleb thrust once, twice more as she squeezed around him, before finally letting go with a gasp, thankful that he had held out until she finished.

When they were both spent, he lay again facing her, committing what he could see in the dim moonlight to memory. As his eyes grew heavy and he could feel sleep tugging at him again, Astrid held her arms out and he curled into them as she threaded her hands through his hair soothingly.

“I still dream of your fire.” The whisper was so quiet Caleb nearly missed it. “My darling Bren.”

“It’s always been you, for me, Astrid.” He pressed a tired kiss into her shoulder. “And it always will be.”

* * *

Caleb’s Xhorhasian coat was heavy on his shoulders as he stood in Astrid’s entryway, preparing to take his leave. He could see in the morning light that she looked tired, but her smile was still soft.

“It was good to see you,” he said at last, breaking the silence between them. “I think – I think I’d better go.”

He raised his hand slowly and touched the scar on her face. 

“You’re welcome any time, Bren.” She leaned, barely, into his touch. “I’d like to see more of you.”

“Yeah, maybe.” They stood for a few more quiet moments, both contemplating the meaning of _maybe_. _Vielleicht_.

Caleb switched back to Common. “My friends are depending on me.”

“Of course. Then you should probably get to them.”

She grabbed and squeezed his hand, releasing him only when he stepped over her threshold and out into the day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you're here - thank you for reading! 
> 
> Caleb has a lot of emotional resonance for me, including his relationship with his "high school sweetheart", and I wanted to explore that in this fic. Hopefully I managed to convey at least a little of why they tug at my heartstrings, even if I certainly don't expect or want them to end up together again.
> 
> Feel free to drop me a message at my [tumblr](https://burningdarkfire.tumblr.com/) if you want to chat, and as always, I appreciate every hit, bookmark, comment, kudos, etc - thank you!! 💖💖


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